TLDR: Parents are prioritizing obedience less and less in the home, a mistake that has profound implications on discipleship.
A recent study based in the United Kingdom asked this: “Below is a list of qualities that children can be encouraged to learn at home. Which, if any, do you consider especially important? Please choose up to five.”
Here are how Americans prioritized what kids should learn in the home, with a note where each ranked overall for the twenty-four nations1 represented in the study, the average percentage that included the answer, and the high and low percentages:
#1
Tolerance and Respect for Other People (71%)
#3 Overall (Average: 67% / High: 93% / Low: 40%)
#2
Hard Work (68% )
#4 Overall (Average: 50% / High: 81% / Low: 8%)
#3
Feeling of Responsibility (59%)
#2 Overall (Average: 68% / High: 88% / Low: 68%)
#4
Independence (56%)
#5 Overall (Average: 48% / High: 85% / Low: 14%)
#5
Good Manners (52%)
#1 Overall (Average: 76% / High: 96% / Low: 52%)
#6
Determination, Perseverance (39%)
#6 Overall (Average: 36% / High: 82% / Low: 11%)
#7
Religious Faith (32%)
#8 Overall (Average: 29% / High: 82% / Low: 1%)
#8
Imagination (30%)
#11 Overall (Average: 25% / High: 52% / Low: 6%)
#9
Not Being Selfish (28%)
#9 Overall (Average: 27% / High: 45% / Low: 4%)
#10
Thrift, Saving Money and Things (27%)
#7 Overall (Average: 29% / High 48% / Low 11%)
#11
Obedience (21%)
#10 Overall (Average: 26% / High: 58% / Low: 3%)
What Can We Learn from These Findings?
While I’m somewhat surprised that “Religious Faith” scored as high as it did for Americans, what really stood out to me was “Not Being Selfish” coming in ninth and “Obedience” placing dead last.
Self-Serving Tolerance
I’m not sure how “Tolerance and Respect for Other People” being first with 71 percent of people saying it was among the five most important traits can be reconciled with “Not Being Selfish,” a trait that seems to go hand-in-hand with it, being ninth with only 28 percent of people saying it mattered highly. I suspect that “tolerance” is the focus, with it being defined as finding everyone’s views valid and affirming that they have the right to hold them. A healthy respect for others, born out of valuing them as people, doesn’t seem to be driving that priority; if anything, it is a warped version of the golden rule—do for others so that they must do likewise for you.
Needless to say, this is contrary to the message of the gospel:
Instead of being motivated by selfish ambition or vanity, each of you should, in humility, be moved to treat one another as more important than yourself.
Philippians 2:3, NET
In discipling children, a parent’s goal should be to form within them a deep and true respect for others out of love and deference, recognizing that they are image bearers of God. Tolerating others so that you too might be tolerated is the way of the world, but not the way of Jesus. His way is higher and more beautiful.
Decaying Obedience
What stood out most to me, though, and what seemed to be noted most by those who conducted the study, was how low “Obedience” scored. For Americans, the surprise of this last-place showing of 21 percent is compounded by a look back at history to where “Obedience” scored 40 percent in 1990. Why the slide?
Part of the reason could be a growing mistrust of institutions—government, law enforcement, military, schools, and churches. Part of obedience is trusting in the one being obeyed. And as that trust erodes, it isn’t surprising to see the value of obedience crumbling along with it.
Another explanation could be “Independence,” which placed fourth. We are a society that wants to live out Frank Sinatra’s anthem “My Way” more and more.
Gospel-Driven Obedience
It might be easy for us to explain away this decreasing value of obedience as a mark of our culture, but I believe it has seeped over into the church too, especially within some gospel-centered churches. That sounds counter-intuitive for sure, but it isn’t when we consider how easy it is for some to devalue morality out of fear of teaching moralism. Morality is living properly—which includes obedience to Christ. It is an obedience born out of love for Jesus, as he himself said:
“If you love me, you will obey my commandments.”
John 14:15, NET
Moralism, on the other hand, is an obedience done to earn Jesus’ love. We are right to reject moralism, but in doing so, some may have pushed too far and too strong and undermined obedience all together. I often hear gospel-centered teaching that does a wonderful job of celebrating Jesus’ work, but it stops there. The believer is left celebrating the redemptive work of Jesus—always a good thing—but not knowing how to live any differently in light of that work. We cannot forget that Ephesians 2:10 follows the powerful gospel description of Ephesians 2:1–9. We have been made new in Jesus for works—to live differently. To obey. We are always to be in awe of Jesus, but we are always to obey him too. Indeed, we cannot have the first without the latter.
It is critical that parents teach their children the value of obedience. That doesn’t mean they cannot or should not teach their children about the dangers of blind obedience. But one of the key takeaways for parents to pass on to their children is that we are on this earth to do something—God made us as doers, not spectators. To know God is to love him. And to love God is to obey him joyfully.
- Australia; Brazil; Canada; China; Egypt; France; Germany; Greece; Indonesia; Iran; Italy; Japan; Mexico; Morocco; Nigeria; Norway; Philippines; Poland; Russia; South Korea; Spain; Sweden; United Kingdom; United States ↩︎
brian dembowczyk 